One Click of the Button!

While Jim was in hospice, in my care, we had some very intimate conversations. One in particular was very poignant. Jim told me that I should date and remarry. It was a pretty black and white statement. He looked at me and told me he knew I would be miserable if I was not married. He said he knew me well enough (and God knows Jimmy knew me) to know that I need that relationship stability in my life.

Needless to say, I was taken aback and was not quite sure how to respond. I sort of blew it off with a shrug and some comment that I’d never remarry. Geez Us, my husband, the love of my life was dying before my eyes and he was trying to marry me off. For me it was an awkward moment as I recall, but we moved on and the subject was never broached again.

Several weeks after Jim was laid to rest I was visiting my therapist…yes…I had started to see a therapist several months before Jim passed away. I needed to talk with someone to work through the stress, the depression, and the sadness of losing Jim. After Jim died, I continued to see Dr. Dan along with the bereavement counselor provided by hospice. During one visit with Dr. Dan I mentioned that I’d felt insulted that Jim would suggest I should date and remarry. I explained to him I felt sad and really was bothered by that.

God bless Dr. Dan. He pointed out to me that Jim’s remarks were a gift to me. He explained that I’d never feel as though I was cheating my memories of Jim or that I was in some way untrue to our marriage. We discussed that at length. I slept on it, I chewed on it, and I muddled through it. It was not until I read The Four Things That Matter Most, by Ira Brock, MD, http://www.thefourthings.org/ that it really sunk in. Ira Brock addresses the Good-Byes That are the Gifts Through Time. Again, that conversation we shared was pronounced "a gift". Jim’s “permission” to date was just that, an everlasting gift to me.

I was still of the mind that I would not date. I didn’t want to “replace” Jim. No one can/could. I knew if I did begin to date, it would be crazy. How would I meet someone and not compare him to Jim? Dating would be a blessing and burden, maybe even a curse. Fortunately, I had so much estate work to be concerned with that I was consumed all day every day. I was grieving and I grieved for a very long time. I didn’t go back to work for close to three months. When I did, I spent every lunch break at the cemetery chatting at Jim and talking through all of the difficult decisions to be made.

I’m not nuts, but I found so much comfort visiting Jimmy’s final resting place that I couldn’t pull myself away. I know now that it is just part of the grieving process and it did help me heal.

By the time the anniversary of Jim’s death was approaching, things had settled down a bit and I was finding myself twiddling my thumbs on many occasions. I talked with my girlfriends about being ready to poke my toe into the dating pool. One of my friends, from the office, mentioned she had met her fiancé on a dating site and so with her recommendation I signed up.

I went on three dates in January of 2006. The gentleman I went out with on the first date is still a very good friend. We travel together, and although we are not in a relationship, we spend time in each other’s company enjoying dinners together and playing “date” to important events we both need to attend. On the second date, I met someone and within a few weeks we started an exclusive relationship. I had a third date for coffee and I went though I was a bit smitten by date number two. Interestingly, the gentleman from the coffee date is still a very good friend though we never went out again. My relationship with date number two lasted two years.

I don’t know that I was devastated when date two and I stopped seeing each other. It was not a dramatic parting, more a sad death of a beautiful relationship. I was sad, angry, sort of the stages of grieving all over again.

I had read a book, I'm Grieving as Fast as I Can: How Young Widows and Widowers Cope and Heal, by Linda Fienberg. This book also provided me good insight into coping with death as a young widow. One interesting chapter contained a discussion on dating. The discussion also addresses the possible end of the “first relationship” after burying a husband or wife. Well, the book hit the nail on the head. Ending the relationship was harder than burying Jim. Jim was dead; there was a finality, but the boyfriend was still alive and…. We are friendly, we are close, and sometimes we have a drink and Sushi. We do care about each other, but the door is closed to any future looking relationship.

So, there I was in 2008. Hmm...too date again or not? Fall off a horse--get back on. So, I joined a different dating site and it was a circus of dating. I started speed dating. I was winking and flirting and drinking coffee and wine and having a quick dinner here and there…it was nuts. I met no one that I really wanted to see more that the first date…I was nicknaming the dates to keep track of them. I kept them in my phone with first name and city so that I could avoid calls when the came in. I was avoiding my favorite restaurant in case I’d run into one of these gents in Alexandria.

Don’t judge. If you haven’t been on this merry-go-round you cannot imagine the hell it is. So, I decided to stop and I did. Then I did the tilt-a-whirl again and I met someone. We will call him SpongeBob. He spun my head and bruised my heart. So, I have stopped dating once again.

Now, don’t misunderstand. I date, I go out, I’m just not looking for a relationship at this point in time. I’m not juggling; I’m taking a break. I have thrown myself into running and now I have this blog and as I said to a good girlfriend this morning, “I’m feeling fulfilled.”

Does that mean I don’t want a relationship? No. I would love to be in an exclusive committed relationship. The same relationship Jimmy knew I would desire. But, dear Lord, I’m not going to settle. If I was willing to settle, I suppose I’d be married and miserable by now.

Which brings up the click of the button. I am aware that when I first meet someone, they are probably dating and much like me hoping to find “the one,” or, maybe not. After all, I do go out, I do have male friends, there is just no "boy" in front of friend. Since, I’ve been on the dating hiatus I have suddenly met a few very nice men. Imagine that? I meet them on a plane, train, in the store, and running…WTH? By stopping I start? Steve and Lynette Flatt call me a magnet.

Which brings me to the funniest week I’ve had. A few weeks back I was flirting in a devilish manner and began chatting with a gent in Charlottesville. Suddenly, we had emails flying back and forth, and we made plans to meet in Annapolis for a weekend of Annapolis festivals and festivities.

Yesterday morning I received several emails from him within minutes of each other. WOW…he must have wanted to really impress me. This is the email I received:

I've got to roll out of here soon for one foreclosure sale each at

Buchingham CH and Palmyra.....and am done by 11;30....My kind of

day!!!......

What goes on for the weekend???? I think you're maybe Mom sitting or

something......my brain is hazy as to the agenda though.......

So, why did he send me three emails with the same subject line of “Easy day….”

Because in one click of the button……I got this too…

Katie.....I've got to roll out of here soon for one foreclosure sale

each at Buckingham CH and Palmyra.....and am done by 11;30....My kind of

day!!!......

I'm assuming that you've got a busy day/weekend it being high season and

all.....

One kinda cool thing is that I got some voice recognition

software......I'm still working on training it for better accuracy as

some things just will not come out right......I have found that you

cannot make it curse!!!! Not one #^!*ing. &#@(ing word.......I

mean...who is in control here?????

Holy eff balls….he is cutting and pasting the same body text and personalizing the rest. LMFAO.

So I did the only wise thing…I responded…

LOL...your voice recognition must have failed in name recognition:)

I’m thinking he might want his money back on that voice recognition software.

I got a response that said…ooooopppppsssss…

No shit, oooopppppsssss…. still shaking my head!

Then later in the day, a generic email was sent and I’m thinking he is trying to determine if Katie got my email as well.

The subject line is “What are you doing???”He wrote:

I'm done with work...eaten lunch and it's too early to go to the

gym..........talk about whitebread, middle class problems!!!!!

No wonder my plans were hazy to him, he can’t keep the names, dates, times, and emails straight. Well, I can tell you my dear readers what I am doing. I am not responding to this or the additional emails he has sent me. I am not having him as a guest for my festival weekend in Annapolis, and I am definitely not investing in the voice recognition software.

regards,

the Widow Fike