Time does heal, the heart scars over, the Jim piece is still there but no longer raw. For some reason this five-year anniversary has been extremely hard on me…can’t put my finger on it….
I’ve never been able to watch the Part II and Part III of Pirates. I have the discs and have never opened the boxes; they still have the seal on them. Old friends have stopped calling; perhaps I was not receptive. In many cases they wanted me to comfort them over Jim’s loss, when in fact I needed their comfort. Death has an anger stage, not at anyone or anything, just in general. I was angry; waking up mad going to sleep mad…I tried not to be angry with friends and family, but at times I’m sure I was. I cannot apologize to every individual: I can ask that you try to understand the tumultuous loss I suffered.
I have never known such a deep and rewarding love as the love I shared with Jim. He was every breath that I took. I could never get enough of him…I was like a child jumping up and down with joy and impatience when I knew he was flying to Tampa or driving to Alexandria. The two hour drive to the farm was painful for me….it seemed like a forever drive to get to the farm to see Jim for a short weekend. Jim and I hated living apart. Flying kept him busy and there was never a moment’s peace with the farm. Masonry helped to fill the time between our weekends together. Fred and Betty entertained me in Alexandria. But the best time was Jim time…that is what I miss….my Jim time!
A vacation to Tampa and the Keys. A week of Jim time…the best time in the world….sun, sand, friends, and a honeymoon all over. The times of our lives. I can still his hear his “Hootie Hootie” and O B Hive messages on the phone….he made my heart race…I hated to miss his calls, I always felt cheated, I wanted to breathe in every minute with Jim...maybe somehow in some cosmic way there was a hint of the loss to come.
I have three messages on the phone that have degraded and I can barely hear them anymore…a “Hootie Hootie” a “Baby is Calling”, and an “O B Hive”…sweet Jesus he makes me smile still…my breath catches, my heart aches, the messages end until the next time I can bear to hear his voice.
I’ve never been able to send a Christmas Letter since Jim’s passing and I no longer send Christmas cards…signing them Judi without the Jim somehow seems insignificant.
I’ve changed. I can’t decide what I’ve changed to or if I’m better or worse for the change. I have taken Jim’s advice and dated…perhaps that is the one piece of advice I should have ignored.
I think Jim would be pleased of how I handled the disposal of the plane, farm, equipment, and the remodel of the house in Del Ray. I miss having his logic as I’ve had to make these big decisions.
I’ve made new friends. I speak of Jim and I don’t think they understand the extent of our love and my loss. Old friends never speak of Jim; I think they feel it is best to ignore my loss. They are not being unkind it has been five years; much has changed, much has happened. Friends and family have passed…it is the chute life pushes us through. No matter how much it pushes me, and I think I’ve done remarkably well; it can never push from me the love we shared. We argued always about the “I love you the most”. Ha! Not until I was cleaning the farm for sale did I get it…yes Jim you loved me the most…thank you. It was not a contest, rather a statement of fact for you. Thank you, thank you, and thank you.
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