You CAN Take It With You!

Deciding what to add to the blog is usually not a difficult decision. I have several pieces I have started and can easily finish in a moment’s notice. Often, the idea is suggested by a friend or a casual remark I overhear in a conversation spools my brain back to a time….So, when I read the report of Tony Curtis’s funeral and the items buried with him, I could only chuckle and shake my head thinking of the items I placed in Jim’s casket for his comfort in the ever after.


Jim and I had many conversations while he was at the house during his hospice care. He was very clear that he wanted to be buried from Everly Wheatley Funeral home on Braddock Road in Alexandria. He wanted a Masonic Funeral, and since Jim was such a good Mason, that went without saying. He was a former member of the United States Navy and wanted a flag draped coffin and the flag folding ceremony graveside. Jim was also very specific that he wanted a slate gray coffin.

We had often gone to the cemetery to place flowers on his mother’s grave and when there, we would stroll over to the section of the cemetery where Jim had purchased a crypt. There is a beautiful fountain by Carl Milles, the Fountain of Faith http://www.dcmemorials.com/index_indiv0005010.htm and Jim was not quite sure which crypt he had purchased, but he always laughed that it was a beautiful place to be buried and there were beautiful naked people dancing in the fountain. I agreed with him that it was a joyous spot. The history of the statues in the fountain makes me cry still. Please take a moment to look at the link and discover this beautiful treasure.

While Jim was hospitalized, I called the funeral home and pre-planned as much as I could. Really, all I needed to do was alert them that Jim was in hospice and then call them when they needed to pick Jim up. I know that sounds a bit cold and perhaps odd, but that is just how it was handled. All other details could be handled once Jim had passed.

So, Jim came home to spend his finals days in his childhood home. It was truly a beautiful love filled time for both of us. We had beautiful talks while Jim was awake and when he slept I caught up on the day’s activities. There seemed to be a lot of juggling I needed to do. I had to make calls to disconnect Jim’s beeper and cell phone; crazy things that really made me sad because I was closing out a part of Jim’s life while he was still alive. I had the steely reserve to do those things then, because I had no idea how I was going to feel when he finally passed.

I had most off the funeral arrangements made, aside from actually going to meet with the funeral home. Jim wanted me to go pick up a book with pictures of the caskets so he could choose his. Well, the funeral home would not let me borrow their book…I suppose they had a rush of families coming in. I had already spoken with the folks that would serve as pall bearers and had engaged our dear friend John Quinley to speak about Jim and his love of Masonry and his dedication to the craft. I would deliver Jim’s eulogy. I had promised Jim that I would leave no detail to chance and I didn’t.

On Friday, January 28th, 2005 at 3:02 pm Jim finally passed. It was a blessing to see him peaceful and no longer laboring to breathe. I sat with him for a few moments before I called hospice to alert them of his passing. They dispatched his nurse to make the official pronouncement and I called the funeral home to come for Jim. On a side note: when I received Jim’s death certificate, they had listed the time of death from the call I made though Jim had passed 2 or 3 minutes earlier.

I called our next door neighbors, Bob and Becky, Jim’s cousins Betty and Fred, and Barry Taylor, Jim’s best buddy, confidante, and surrogate son to let them know Jim had died. Jim’s daughter Jennifer was flying in for the weekend and arrived shortly after the funeral home had removed Jim from the house.

When the funeral home came to pick up Jim, they wanted to take him out of the front of the house. Well, the house is on a very, very busy front road and I was appalled that Jim would suffer such an indignity. I asked them to come around the back so as to remove Jim without making a spectacle of the situation. The folks from the funeral home were very sensitive to the situation and asked if I wanted to leave the room as they prepared to remove Jim. I was fine and told them so and watched in sadness as my beautiful husband, so withered and small, was wrapped in a shroud and loaded onto a reeve’s stretcher to be carried to the waiting van.

Barry lives in Madison and he immediately headed up to Alexandria. He stayed the night with Jennifer and me as we welcomed neighbors and friends who were stopping by the keep us occupied. Jim’s cousin Al arrived the next day to stay with us as well.

The following morning dawned cold and sunny and Barry loaded Jennifer and me into his truck to drive us to the farm. He was concerned that there was a snow storm heading in and we wouldn’t have good transportation. By getting to the farm, I could retrieve the farm truck as well as gather the clothes I wanted for Jim’s burial. Jim was funny about that too. He had very few requests for his clothes, but the two items he was adamant about was that he wanted to be buried in his long, dark gray cashmere coat with his matching scarf. Jim, much like me, hates the cold and he was definitely preparing to stay warm.

When we pulled into the farm, I was sickened to see out neighbors and friends loading up the cattle to go to market. Jim and I had made those arrangements during his hospice and it seemed so surreal. The beautiful farm was going to be empty pastures…no life…like the soul had been sucked from the land. I had also made arrangements for “Horse”, yes that was her name, our beautiful grey dappling, to be housed with friends who had a horse farm. She too was loaded up to move several miles down the road. The only remaining habitant of the farm was our old red coon hound “Red”. He’d been penned a lot at the farm, but with the livestock gone, there was no reason he couldn’t spend his days running the 70 acres. No to worry, there was help at the farm who still took care of the place and made sure Red was fed regularly.

So, Jennifer and I were gathering up the clothes for Jim. I got his coat and scarf. Then I had to decide what to bury Jim in. Jim was a pretty dapper dresser. He had beautiful clothes and one thing I knew was there needed to be a yellow tie if nothing else. Jim’s favorite color is yellow. So, once I chose the tie, I chose all other articles of clothing to compliment. Friends that know Jim know he was a shopper. Dear Lord that man had clothes. Tons of clothes and plenty with the tags still attached. So, I chose a new shirt, new underwear, and new socks. I pulled his slacks and jacket from the freshly dry cleaned clothes in his closet and found his brand new Johnston and Murphy shoes.

I also grabbed some Jimmy things. Things I needed to surround me with for comfort in the days ahead. I grabbed pictures and mementos, they seemed random, but in hindsight I don’t think they were. Jennifer and I loaded up the truck and stopped at the foot of the drive to speak with the guys loading the cattle. I was finally feeling a sickness in my stomach as I looked at the farm and realized the enormous undertaking that was on my shoulders. I wanted to get back to Alexandria and take on the task at hand and worry about the farm later.

Jennifer and I got back to Alexandria and I made arrangements to meet with the funeral parlor and cemetery on Monday. The remainder of the weekend was spent on phone call after phone call, calling friends and family and pulling together last details for Jim’s funeral. Monday morning we headed off to the funeral home and the cemetery. The gentleman that took care of us at the funeral home was a saint. My wicked sense of humor was in rare form that morning.

He began by taking us to the casket display. I saw the gray casket: said, “Sold, let’s move on.” He wanted to tell me all about the details, and I said the only detail that mattered is that it was metal and the color my husband requested. Nuff said. So we were going over flower details and I explained they needed to be blue, yellow, and white with the Key West flag I had provided to him woven through the arrangement. It had to be on a stand because the coffin would be flag draped. We had to do the obituary piece…you get it, all the usual funeral stuff…then came the question of clothes.

I had all sorts of new clothing articles with tags and plastic wrappers and I started to cry as I explained to him that Jim had PLENTY of clothes. I had not needed to go buy clothes to bury him in. For some reason that seemed important to me. I needed to make sure HE understood that they were new, but not new for the funeral. I asked if Jim would be buried in the shoes and socks I had there, because, think about it, do you ever see below the waist of a body in a casket? Well, I wanted Jim to have everything, undershirt, underwear, shoes and socks and that beautiful cashmere coat and scarf! I was laughing and crying at the same time.

I’m sure the guy sees all stages of grief so I really didn’t care what he thought since it was all about Jim. We worked out the details of prayer cards, the Masonic service…geesh, you have years to plan a wedding and days to finalize a funeral…and there are as many or more details. He presented the bill and asked if I needed to speak with their finance department. I asked if they took Amex. The answer was yes, so, I slid him the card and explained Jim would be pretty pissed if I didn’t get my frequent flyer miles.

Next stop: the cemetery. I met with a lovely young woman named Sarah, you know, the one who gave me the “Widow” title. I explained we had two spots at the fountain and she said we had two below ground spots elsewhere and pulled out the paperwork. I suppose over the years, Jim was confused about which naked statue he was going to spend time with and when she took me to our statue I was not happy. I asked if they had room at the fountain and after much looking…there was room, above ground, and they threw in the basement slot for free. So, if you are in need, I got a basement for ya! Anyway, we went through all the details, inscription, Masonic emblem, a lovely quote… all the rigmarole that goes with it. But, Jimmy got his spot with the naked people at the fountain! I still find great joy visiting Jim there; it is beautiful and very, very peaceful.

There were two viewings for Jim on Tuesday the 1st of February and Jim was to be interred on the 2nd. As I set off to the funeral home the afternoon of the 1st, I saw a photo of me that I had placed next to Jim’s hospital bed. I hated the picture of me and hated the frame even more. The frame was a round, purple floral, sort of ugly looking thing, but Jim LOVED it…and he loved that picture. I did not stop to think; I grabbed the picture and also grabbed a framed copy of our favorite wedding picture and off to the funeral home I went.

I don’t know why I felt like I was breaking some funeral code, but when no one was looking I slipped both pictures into the lower half of the coffin. Then I got to thinking….what else would comfort Jim? That evening before Jennifer, Cousin Al and I headed back for the second viewing; I loaded up all things Jim. I grabbed a pack of his favorite toothpicks, his back scratcher, his martini shaker, martini glass, and the ingredients necessary to mix his favorite gin Gibson: Hell I grabbed his bottle of Johnny Walker Red too…

There I was secretly stashing these things in the bottom half of his casket. Every time I placed something, I’d tell him what it was and I think he may have smiled a bit. I can’t remember all of the trinkets I put in there, but he went out well stocked. There were days after the burial that I’d see something and lament I’d not thought to send that with him. My good friend Bonnie did stop me from putting a hundred dollar bill in, just in case Jim needed a few essentials I’d forgotten.

So, when I saw that Tony Curtis took his iPhone with him, I thought back to all the items Jim had with him and realized no matter what they say, You CAN take it with you!