Plane Talk

There is nothing I enjoy more than a first class flight on USAIR, my favorite broom in the sky. Yesterday evening started out perfectly. My cabbie from Yellow Cab arrived in less than 5 minutes. He was a dapper gent from Ghana and was wearing a purple pin-striped shirt, tie to match, and a fabulous black felt fedora. He was listening to country western music and I loved the incongruity of it all. He remarked about my fragrance and I laughed and told him I get tons of compliments on the fragrance and it is actually a body lotion I buy at CVS. He wanted to know the name, aisle, and price and said when he dropped me at the airport was heading there to make a purchase.

I made it through security without a hitch. Shucks, I really did want to imitate Meg Ryan’s performance from When Harry Met Sally. I was plenty early, so I enjoyed a burger and buried my nose in a book until it was time to board.

I quickly snuggled into my roomy first class seat, ordered a cocktail and began to work my crossword puzzle. I was in 2A, window; the middle of 3 rows in First Class. A lovely woman sat next to me, we did the courtesy hello and went about our own interest. She was reading, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” and I am reading “Rain Gods”. Takeoff was smooth and on time, and before to long the flight attendant came back around and I asked for another cocktail, which means 2 little miniatures of vodka and a can of tonic. My seatmate stuck with her bottled water. Flying was good.

I was debating a bit of a nap and then it started: a small buzz in my right ear. It was a mild buzz, sort of like a fly in the room that you can’t quite hit as it zooms away and back again. I dug deeper into my book and found my Zen zone again, and bam, the fly was back. This time it was more like a fire or police siren you hear in the middle of the night that awakens you from a deep sleep. You listen and it draws closer and you hope that the high pitched scream will pass by your home and you will hear it fade into the night.

No. It was the horror we all hate. The sound stopped at my right ear and stayed there. I felt as though I should ignore the sound much like staying in bed when fire and rescue vehicles stop near your house, but no, much like every human, I stepped into the sound. I straightened my head and bent my right ear to the space between 2A and 2C.

I almost spit through my nose when the young lady in seat 3A remarked that she, “Used to be a porn star, but gave it up to become a nurse.” The high pitched whine in my ear almost burst my ear drum. My seat mate cocked an eyebrow and gave me the WTF look…I was hooked…I grabbed my pen and boarding pass and started making notes. The flight attendant was handing them miniatures like there is no tomorrow. I gave mine back because I needed to capture this madness.

The conversation between to two young ladies was punctuated with loud comments which were easy to capture. It was when they spoke in quiet voices, like conspirators, that I had to lean in and curse the drone of the plane’s engines. But GOD love some alcohol; most times they spoke in a booming crescendo that not only allowed me and my seat mate to enjoy the conversation, but the gent in 1C too was engaged and winking and laughing with us.

I supposed the two inebriated young ladies hit an immediate cosmic friendship when the former porn star connected the dots that seat 3C was in green scrubs. Light bulb…. “Are you a nurse”? , “Yes, what do you do”? Well, I was a porn star, but that got old and I decided to become a nurse. Huh???? From porn star to nurse…Jenny McCarthy, take note, you CAN get a meaningful career after porn.

So, as I said, I was hooked. The siren in my ear kept screeching and reminding me that blog topics are few and far between…HOLY COW…gents, this beautiful blonde in 3A was a porn star and is now a nurse…I’m thinking if you are in her care the whole catheter thing is no big deal, in fact I think she probably has a good bedside manner for that procedure…sponge bath anyone?

I missed some of the conversation, but suddenly 3A piped up about dating and how hard it is to find a good man. Shout that out sister, preaching to the choir in 2A…can I get an Amen? She pulled out her iPhone and began to show “Men from Match” to the porn star. Nurse 3C had commentary about one in particular…something like this…. “Check out that body” (was that an objective medical request) …then she began to critique, I leaned in as far as I could…was there going to be a medical diagnosis that was going to help cure cancer? OMG, I might be in the presence of someone akin to Jonas Salk. Alas, just another male bashing comment, “Great body, too much hair for me and check the random tats…what is with the effen screaming eagle across his whole back?” “His hair is like barbed wire, scratchy and annoying”…Ha, well obviously she had the opportunity to run her hands through the coiled wire in order to make that remark! She then moved on to another “Match Man” and her voice lowered, purrrr baby…what secret did you share in the ear of the porn star.

The siren in my ear lowered a few decibels and 3A started discussing her diet. Really? Can I hear more about the men in your life?…so, she was adamant that she does not eat after 8 pm. OK…good advice...she eats NO, NO, NO carbs…it was a 3 “NO” remark because she said, “Most of my family is morbidly obese”. Well have a few more gins…dead calories…you can bulk up like the rest of them!

And the fun continued…I work in higher education, I’m pretty savvy about college (ya think?)…so when her voice raised again and she began to explain her college courses for her RN, I realized the booze had pickled her brain…no ladies and gents, not an RN…an LPN, but, the Porn Star...now she is an RN…holly effen nurse degree… 3C explained she had attended community college and at the last semester decided to become a registered nurse so did a semester and voila…Florence Nightingale…if I’d had a drink in my mouth I would have spit…but I maintained my composure and pressed my ear into the gap again.

3C started bitching about the “pat downs” and “x-rays at the airport”. She was at the top of her lungs explaining that she did not want a brain tumor, “I don’t want brain cancer”. Well if you holler any louder, all of first class will suffer the malaise. Porn star nurse asked if she had researched the situation and begin to explain in a very comforting nursey voice that the effects are minimal and the information has been all over the news the past few days. LPN said she had yet to look into the info but would soon because she travels A LOT…really? Well, let me think about that, she was in First Class…might be some truth there.

So 3C, the x-ray expert became very animated about the fact that the scans at the airport put “your junk” out there. She went on and on about how she didn’t want her “boobs” scanned for the enjoyment of the TSA guys. She was becoming more and more excitable about it…”Effe em, get a magazine if you need to see boobs and nipples”. I was pleasantly surprised, or not, with Porn Star Nurse’s response “Well, if it was a choice of the plane blowing up or someone seeing my nipples, I say let them see my nipples”. WTF… I’m thinking they already have? Dear GOD wish I’d heard her porn name…might be seeing Porn Nurse in her first career film while I relax in Tampa.

Yes, I was a voyeur; the conversations were some of the most amusing chatter I’d heard in a long time, especially in first class. Not to sound elitist, but these nurses are not your typical first class riders. I have flown with plenty of celebs, hmmm…well…maybe porn star nurse falls into that category…LOL!

And then it happened. A baby cried in coach. Apparently 3C could hear the crying child since she was closest to coach, and GOD bless Florence Nightingale, her nurturing side rushed to the surface. The heart warming comments went something like this, “Someone should slap that parent and make them shut the child up”. OK, I’m the forgiving sort, maybe she doesn’t work in pediatrics. The siren welled up again and 3C said that when she gets married she doesn’t want to have a child for a year, at least. Please, I beg you, tie your tubes…the Widow implores you to consider a barren life…Please oh Please!

If that wasn’t enough, 3C started talking about her time in the military…God save us all! She then went on to tell Porn Star RN that she was married while in the military, divorced, and married again but, “He seems sexually repressed; I think he has homosexual tendencies, and has very random tattoos, plus he is a city boy”. What??? City boy? The Widow loves her some city boys and come to think of it, loves her some tattooed homosexuals. Then, ok, there was another interesting comment from 3C…I don’t want a husband. Well then, the Widow says stick with barbed wire chest hair screaming eagle guy…seems to be a match made in heaven??? Porn Star Nurse commented that she likes heavily tatted men. Of course she does!

Will the plane ever land? Then Flight Attendant A brings another round to the girls, seriously…I was trying to sober up to make sure I got the story straight, and the expected happened…a drink hit the floor. I could hear the laughter and the noise of the cup and ice splatting. I think Porn Star RN dropped the cup, but who cares? It was just a matter of time.

For some reason, Nurse 3C felt it was her duty to tell Porn Star Nurse that she often gave her patients hand jobs to relax them. She said, “I get good tips and it’s legal, a little. If I did it in my house or car, and took money, I’d be arrested and called a whore.” Poor Porn Star Nurse, she was speechless and either too drunk to respond or trying to figure out how to combine her two careers.

By this time, whether or not my seat mate could hear what I had my ear pressed into, she commented about the conversations, and the gent in 1C spoke up to say there is a reason he doesn’t drink. We were buckled in for touch down and quite honestly I was disappointed that the conversation would end…or not.

I headed to baggage claim, and much to my delight, LPN, married, divorced, hand job nurse was there and on her cell phone. She was regaling someone on the phone about her travels and her upgrade to first class…ha…knew it….apparently she had been bumped from a previous flight and her “complaining” landed her in first class for the trip to Tampa. Karma that two nurses wound up next to each other.

She continued to blab in a very drunken loud voice that the delayed flight had cost her a “sunset proposal” on the beach. Spin my head, what did I just hear? The, “I don’t want to marry nurse” missed a proposal? Holy Nut Job…this is priceless. Again, it was like a high pitched siren in my head…that voice…arrrrrrgggggghhhhh! But, I was again hooked…I pushed my Coach bag closer…she was pacing and gabbing, but I caught every bit of it since there was no roar of the plane to drown out the call.

She was telling the party on the phone that she flew with another nurse who got hammered…well, pot meet kettle. She said she was pissed that the sunset proposal would not happen. She just wanted to get her luggage, get to the hotel to change, get the ring, and settle in for the night. Wow. So romantic…and then, much to my disappointment, the luggage belt started and she drifted away much like a siren that passes your house and moves on through the darkness of night…